Disclaimer
This blog is born of a health scare I experienced a few weeks ago resulting in a hospital stay as well as subsequent treatment in a medical rehabilitation facility. To be clear, I have nothing but profound respect for members of the medical profession and additionally, I have utmost sympathy and compassion for people suffering from chronic and often fatal diseases and individuals afflicted with emotional and mental illness. Sometimes, however, we just need to laugh. This blog is known for its sometimes, scathing humor, but it is NEVER malicious. I want to make that very clear. All names have been changed to protect privacy and, in some cases, certain information has been altered to disguise other identifying scenarios. With that, as I often tell folks: if you are easily offended, don’t read it. I make no apologies. One more thing: I am sorry the widow has been absent so long. Grandchildren take up a lot of time, particularly in the spring. I have attended two First Holy Communions, several band and orchestra concerts, chorale performances, school plays, soccer and scout events, and a very meaningful and emotional high school graduation of my first-born grandchild. When he goes off to college in a few weeks I will likely need to be medicated and may end up hospitalized again, this time in the psych ward. Stay tuned.
July 30, 2023
Taking Stock
Several weeks ago, I had my quarterly meeting via telephone with my financial advisor. After the obligatory niceties, talking about our kids, vacations, the state of the world, etc., we got down to business. He let the hammer drop. He told me I’m too nice. What? I have heard that before. My work husband of 30 plus years has accused me of just that. He has also used the word agreeable. Huh? What? It’s a bad thing? Should I be nasty? Whatever. I prefer being described as easy to get along with, thank you, very much. Much better than being thought of as a contentious asshole. At any rate, not looking for accolades here; I have a blog to write. So, since the title of this blog is “Taking Stock,” it stands to reason that he wanted to take some of my stocks from my vast portfolio and sell them, buy some other stocks to add to my vast portfolio, and discuss why my vast portfolio wasn’t so vast at all. For those who haven’t caught on yet…folks, I am using the word vast ironically, because my portfolio is anything but vast. Between the economy, both my husband and I working for non-profits our entire careers, our investments were hardly flush with millions, but I do like to think that we made the world a better place, so there’s that. And let’s not forget that my financial dude said it was time to stop being nice, or in his words – “no more donations to anyone in the coming calendar year!” Whaaaaat???? That’s right. He wants me to close my wallet and stop giving money away. He wants me to focus on ME and ME ALONE. He wants me to “rein it in honey!” I am not getting any younger and my money is not magically reproducing in some sexy way other than the “normal” way money grows. Nothing to see here perverts. It’s all about dollars and cents. And sense. I am a middle-class widow of meager means. Basically, my financial dude was telling me I might run out of money if I don’t stop being so nice. I need to be more unflinching. So, I either become a miserable selfish bitch or remain the nice agreeable person my mother taught me to be and end up on the street. These are my choices. Sigh. Damn, life is hard. I told him I would think about it. And then, as luck would have it, a few weeks later, life kicked me in the teeth. Or ass. You pick the body part. Either way, it was a nightmare. And it made me take stock about a lot of things. I got sick. Really sick. Make a batch of popcorn and read the story. Personally, I prefer the Movie Butter flavor, even though we all know there’s not a bit of butter in it. Like everything else these days, it’s nothing but another lie to lull us into a sense of complacency and then kick us when we’re down. Relax. It’s just popcorn; a metaphor for the shit that life deals us sometimes, but in the end, we learn something, and we take stock. I know I did. And I am pretty sure I am better for the experience – the entire experience. Let me know what you think.
It was supposed to be a quick little getaway: three crazy widows spending a long weekend at the beach; an oceanfront condo, bar adjacent to the pools and the beach, upscale restaurants, we parked the car and Ubered everywhere, late night cocktails on the balcony, laughter, and conversation. Just a nice harmless weekend with friends. And that’s what it was. Until it wasn’t. I felt fine. Until I didn’t. I felt good. Until I felt deathly ill. It was that sudden. We were getting ready to head home anyway. It’s because I am so nice, I waited until the end of the weekend – because I am so nice and agreeable. It’s just who I am. I just didn’t want to inconvenience anyone; but, I did, and it couldn’t be helped, because I was so freaking sick. For a few scary moments, I thought to myself, “Could this be IT?”
So, what follows is not so much a blow-by-blow description of what happened to me over the next several days (though some more, shall we say “interesting” moments will be shared for your reading pleasure) but rather my impressions of the people I met and the more memorable ones I observed, quite a motley crew. The world we live in is quite baffling at times.
So, thanks to the quick thinking of my friends and my daughter and son-in-law, I am rushed to the hospital to the ER and for me, the rest, at least the first several hours is a bit of a blur. Your vitals tell the story, and my story was that this old bag needed help pronto. So, I am whisked backstage of this shitshow and poked, prodded, and have all sorts of needles, tubes, probes, lines, you name it, inserted, taped, artery is hit – not fun I assure you. The bruises have finally faded but I am at a loss as to how to remove the adhesive from the various devices taped and attached to my body at various junctures of my stays in the hospital and subsequently a rehab facility. I am starting to think a putty knife and gasoline are the only answers. Back to the day I was admitted. When I see the evidence of how sick I am, I get inordinately apprehensive. I am frightened and begin to “take stock” of my life. Was I a good daughter, wife, parent? What could I have done better? What mistakes could I have corrected? What people do I need to beg forgiveness from? What good have I achieved in my small corner of the world? Believe me, when you are lying on a gurney in the ER, you do a lot of thinking and you do it in triple time; it just comes flying at you, often with musical accompaniment – in your rattled brain.
I am eventually moved to my private room which has a real, and I use this term loosely, bed. Torture device would be more apropos. My cell phone took a beatin’ inadvertently getting thrown to the floor numerous times by nurses, respiratory therapists, CNAs, dietary staff, doctors, phlebotomists; it always seemed to be in the way; but give it up? Hell to the no. It was my only connection to the outside. I could not stand the sound or the visuals of the television. I think I turned it on once in the entire six days I was incarcerated in the hospital and never turned it on at the other joint.
My stay at the Hospital Hilton wasn’t bad all things considered. I was a sick little pup and the staff was great to a fault, but WHY do they YELL? Is it naturally assumed that anyone over a certain age is naturally hearing impaired? The smart-ass part of me really wanted to do one of two things: Yell back at the same decibel level or keep saying huh? What? I can’t hear you. Speak up. But I didn’t. For some reason, I was the model patient, but I did keep them entertained, requesting a Tito’s martini, extra dirty, when they asked if I needed anything. I never complained about the food because it was beyond redemption. I hardly ate, because first, I was very sick, and didn’t feel like eating and second, it’s hospital food. Enough said. One thing, though, my morning coffee must be hot. If you can bathe a baby in it, it’s lukewarm. Thankfully, the lovely staff took care of me, every.single.morning. I think my dearly departed husband somehow communicated with them to SAVE THEMSELVES by making sure I had hot coffee, or it wouldn’t be pretty. Thank you, Frank.
Speaking of coffee, let me get to the unpleasant, but kind of funny, but not if you were in my position, or the people dealing with my situation, though thank God for their professionalism and sense of humor (and mine). So, why did I mention coffee? We all know that coffee can, shall we say, work its magic on our, shall we say, certain intestinal areas that, shall we say, store bodily “stuff”? Get the picture? And as an individual who, shall we say, mentioned in earlier blogs, suffers from certain afflictions related to the body’s tendency to, unexpectedly, without warning, jettison one’s innards immediately and without any ability to forestall the inevitable ugly aftermath of said jettisoning except to simply lie back and just let it happen….. “Clean up on aisle four.” Six times at last count. I share because I care. I have lost every shred of human dignity, frankly don’t care anymore, because I can’t waste energy on something I can’t control (obviously) and because of that, I believe it has made me a better person. I can carry on a conversation about any topic as I am being “repaired” and reassembled. It’s a new-found skill I have acquired late in life for which I plan to publish a brochure and present a TEDx Talk. My people are working out the details. It will be entitled Taking Stock: How Cleaning Out More Than Just Your Intestines Can Change Your Life – a working title. Stay tuned.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the specialty professionals who visited me regularly. They didn’t work on my floor, but my illness required their unique skills. First were the people with the huge needles – the needles that were injected directly into my abdomen – once a day. I am not afraid of needles. I was a triple product platelet donor for many years. I’m a bad ass. BUT having a needle injected directly into your belly – that’s a different story. I didn’t like it AT ALL. But I sucked it up and took it like a big girl, because the alternative was a high risk of blood clots. Just do it, ladies, and gentlemen.
I mentioned I used to be a platelet donor. Doubtful that my veins will ever welcome the large gauge needles required to extract platelets. My body was beat up and soon it became increasingly difficult to find a vein. So, they brought in the big guns. First a device – a helmet of sorts that resembles what kids wear when playing video games. No luck. Then they called in the superstar of the IV department, who apparently has a 98% success rate. She arrived with a portable ultrasound machine, and she nailed it, finding the last elusive vein in my body with which to extract some blood. Yee-Haw!
And finally, the respiratory therapists were very familiar faces in my room because they would visit me at least four times a day. There were several but just two stand out because I feel like we forged a special relationship, each in a different, unique way. The RTs administered breathing treatments, checked my oxygen levels and pulse, listened to my breathing and heart with their cold stethoscopes and because they spent at least 30 minutes in my room each visit, we got to know each other on a more personal level. First there was Raymond, a gruff, but kind country boy, who would do his job, not much for small talk. I worked my charms on him and was able to get a laugh out of him. He told me to do my breathing treatments at home because, in his inimitable manner, he didn’t want to see me again.
And then, let me pause and do a breathing treatment, there’s Tyrell. TY-I’m going straight to hell-RELL. Suh-weet Baby Jesus. Six foot three of God-given deliciousness and muscles to match. Muscles that wielded that stethoscope like he MEANT IT!!! And a voice so smooth and deep that it could melt a cold heart and end the Ukraine war. I beg the Lord’s forgiveness for the evil thoughts going through my head. And Tyrell called me Miss Princess. Uh huh, he did. There was something between us. That young man had a mommy complex. And I was ready to give him a much-needed spanking. He had been a bad, bad boy. And my final confession before I check out of the hospital and head to rehab: whenever TY-I’m going straight to hell-RELL leaned over me to place his shiny stethoscope on my sexy hospital gown to hear my panting heart, I would, hand to God, hear the strains of the whiny guitar opening track of Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On. I could print all the lyrics here, but all of us would get really distracted. Sigh. I miss Tyrell.
I left the hospital to be sent to a so-called medical rehabilitation facility for a few days of extended “mobility strengthening and oxygen evaluation.” I felt fine, but I did what I was told. I was strapped to a gurney. A wheelchair would have sufficed. My suspicion was that someone was making a few more bucks. I felt like I was in a Jack Nicholson movie. Very odd. I told a friend that my entire stay at the facility was like a Seinfeld episode. First, I am greeted at the door by some idiot dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, welcoming me in a loud voice, because of course, I am hearing impaired. He hands me a gift bag and a folder with my financial obligations (can’t forget that.) I am wheeled, still strapped to the gurney to my room. My roommate is fast asleep with her mouth wide open and the only body part exposed is her head on the pillow. She looked very old, by my conservative estimate, she was in her early 80s. Well, kick in the teeth, I found out later, that she is five years younger than I!!! My sister reminded me that we come from good genes with very few lines or wrinkles. That made me feel a little better. My roommate was a lovely woman with a good heart, but dear God she never shut up. I mean, never.shut.up. So, I just listened to her inane view of the world and how much Daisy cottage cheese cost and how she couldn’t wait to go home and open a can of fruit cocktail and mix it with some Daisy cottage cheese. I listened and listened and listened. I recorded her and sent it to my two sisters and SIL and they couldn’t believe it. She just talked about total nonsense. But I had to forgive her because she was so sweet and truly meant no harm. Something told me she didn’t have a lot of people to talk to. She and her husband, Chester, lived in the country and raised coon dawgs. It was exhausting listening to her and I know bourbon would have helped. But maybe this was part of taking stock.
Then the cherry on the cake of the rehab facility was “the screamer.” She was three doors down from me and the staff had the good sense to not assign her a roommate. She would just randomly begin screaming. Sometimes words, sometimes just screams. One time she insisted she needed graham crackers. She never specified a brand name like my roommate. It became part of the rhythm of my existence in “the home” as I called it. When my daughter came to see me with some clothing etc., she looked around and said something to the effect of “this place is nice, Mom” when I knew what she was thinking: “Welcome to your future, Mom,” with a maniacal laugh. In reality, I have instructed my daughters to simply place a pillow over my face and hold it as long as necessary. You get the picture. And finally, the last vision I had at “the home” to remind me that we are all on borrowed time and I am not going to attempt humor here, but rather, simply speak from the heart was the night before I went home, I walked to the communal lounge after hearing piano music and there sat a very elderly gentleman playing Christmas carols. because that’s all he can remember due to his advanced dementia. It simultaneously broke my heart and made me smile. He was doing something that gave him joy. In his own way, he was living his best life. He was 97 years old. I am sure at some point, he took stock and told his loved ones he loved them and smiled with joy how happy his life had been before he could no longer remember. I hope so.
I think this may be my longest blog. I had a lot to say. I am taking stock. This is going to happen to all of you. Don’t think it won’t. When I first returned home, I was giddy with joy, just to be among the living, because for a short time I questioned whether this was it. I am glad it wasn’t. I hope to be around for a long time. I have many blogs to write and many adventures to experience. Thanks for reading. I continue to take stock and I hope you are too. We never know what tomorrow brings. That’s all folks. I need to make a quick call to my financial dude.